If you read my first book Man-cation: A Voyage Back to You, you know I was married for a few years. Before we get into this blog, let me say my ex-husband and I are cordial to one another. We chat online from time to time via social media.
I recently came across some snapshots of our wedding, and as I looked at the pictures I thought of the person I was before I said "I do" and I asked myself, "Who was that woman?"
Truthfully, I was broken and probably never should have gotten married in the first place. My self-esteem and self-worth were so low I was desperate for something or someone to rescue me. I really thought marriage would fix me and instantly make me into the woman I hoped to be... confident and self-assured. Sadly, it didn't fix me but made me more of who I already was... broken.
I tried to be the perfect wife, and do things that would make my life look perfect to everyone on the outside looking in. But deep inside I was insecure and afraid of being alone and lonely. Although I gave the best of myself to that marriage, it often felt like it wasn't good enough. I tried to look the part but deep within I was in so much inner turmoil. I often wondered... was the food I cooked tasty enough, was the house clean enough, did I look good enough, was the sex good enough, et cetera.
In my mind, nothing I did was good enough to fill me and make me feel whole. When you don't feel good enough, you will never be enough. Plain and simple. Not only that, but if you're broken no one else can fix you except God.
Before I said "I do" I wish I had known I was so full of junk on the inside. I didn't know how much of a mess I was. Before I said "I do" I wish my relationship with God and myself had been in tact. Before I said "I do" I wish I knew then what I know now. Before I said "I do" I wish I didn't.
I love the journey my life has taken me. It has been full of great times and even some bad. They have all made me the woman I am today. That's why I can effectively teach from my experiences. I say all the time, "Desperate people do desperate things." I was so desperate for marriage I didn't take the time I needed to become whole so I said "I do" broken. I was so desperate to look like a woman who had it all together, I said "I do" prematurely. I was so desperate to hide my own issues behind an image I said "I do" to a wedding, not a marriage.
I'm blessed with the opportunity to coach women all over the world; some are married, some are engaged, while others are single yet desire to be married. If you're reading this and you are already married but broken, get help to become whole. Don't separate yourself from your husband, but do work on becoming a better you now so you can be the wife God designed you to be going forward.
On the other hand if you are not married, regardless of if you're engaged or not, take time now to be whole. Before you say "I do" get yourself together. Be whole and complete in Christ Jesus. Be healed of your emotional hurts, and release any emotional baggage you're holding on to. You won't regret being healed, happy, and whole before saying "I do" but you might regret being hurt, unhappy and broken after marriage if you don't take the time to get yourself together first.
Now, I'm not saying being whole before marriage will prevent problems, because it won't. It will, however, give you an advantage in how to deal with the problems from a place of wholeness instead of brokenness. You'll be quicker to forgive and not hold on to grudges, quicker to go to God in prayer and less likely to retaliate and get back at your spouse because you want them to hurt like you hurt. You'll manifest more of the marriage you want whole, than the marriage you don't want broken.
If you need to get counseling, do. If you need to hire a life coach to help you, do that too. Get spiritual guidance, read books, go to retreats and conferences to help you. Don't just attend, but do the work required to be whole. It won't happen overnight, but the more effort you make to be healed God will meet you right where you are and begin working in you and through you. But you must be willing! The healing process is not pretty and it's lonely at times. But in the end, when you do your part, God will do His part and you'll find yourself in a wholesome, God ordained relationship. Don't rush to the altar for marriage without first rushing to it for healing.
So, before you say "I do" don't until you're whole.
How I can help you:
I wrote a book designed to aid any woman in the healing process whether you're single, engaged or married. It's entitled Man-cation: A Voyage Back to You. In it you will learn how to release baggage, forgive others and yourself, get rid of unhealthy soul ties, change your habits to create a better life for yourself, and learn how to effectively communicate in both verbal and nonverbal ways and so much more! Click here to get your copy today! It's also available on Amazon.com for Kindle.
My online classroom is designed specifically for YOU. I offer spirit, soul and self-empowerment classes to help you heal, empower and love the woman within. In addition to having unlimited access to hours upon hours of classes, you'll also have text and email support from me. Classes can be accessed in the comfort of your own home via your computer, tablet or smartphone. Simply visit www.deaquelynnsclassroom.com today!
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