Healing Your Relationship with God (And Yourself)

I recall that in 2019, after hip and pelvic surgery and the complications that followed, I found myself in a dark and depressed place. The physical recovery took a year, but my soul was bruised in a way I hadn’t expected.

I was so grateful that God brought me through that tough time. My life was finally moving past the pain and "suffering." My family and I moved, and it seemed like my life was finally starting to get back on track. However, something felt off. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was a disconnect somewhere.

After a couple of months of trying to figure it out, I realized my faith and trust in God had been compromised, and I didn't feel as connected to Him as I did before surgery. Upon this realization, I knew I needed to fix it.

In my coaching practice, I have this "deconstructing relationships" list of questions I give to clients who are struggling with relationships. It helps them to dig deeper into understanding their relationship dynamic before they decide whether they want to reconcile or walk away. I decided to use that same approach—not to deconstruct God, but to deconstruct my old perspective of my relationship with Him.

So, that was my approach. I grabbed a poster board, put it on my bedroom wall, and started with the following questions:

• What is relationship?
• How did I come into a relationship with God?
• What has my relationship with God meant to me?
• What is my understanding of God?
• What is my disconnect from God?

And there it was... that last question made me think.

The only way I can describe it is by asking you a question. Have you ever had a relationship with someone who did something you didn't like, but you let it slide and didn't acknowledge it? But those little offenses happened again and again and again. You just made a mental note of it, and over time, you lost something for that person - maybe trust, confidence, faith, or belief?

That's what my answer to that last question reflected. Yes, religion taught me that God could do no wrong and make no errors (and I know that to be true, by the way), but when I looked back over my life and all the things I prayed for and hoped, wished, and believed for that didn't happen, it hurt. And because it was God, I didn't question it, but tucked those little hurts in my heart.

So when surgery happened, and I walked away from that experience with a lopsided body, walking on a cane for the rest of my life, and no womb, all due to complications - that was the tipping point that made me feel unloved and unsupported by God. And that! That's what I had to heal.

As I committed to healing my relationship with God, I realized the anchor of my disconnect was my prayer life. Yes, I prayed daily, multiple times a day. But deep down, I didn’t believe God heard me. I didn’t believe He cared about my concerns anymore.

So, I asked myself another set of questions:

• Do I have faith, confidence, and belief when I pray? Why or why not?
• Do I know God hears me when I pray? Why or why not?
• What are my prayer hangups?
• Do I listen when I pray?
• How do I view myself in God's Eyes when I pray?
• What is my posture when I pray - fear or faith? Why?
• Do I believe God answers my prayers?
• What are my motives when I pray?
• Am I intentional when I pray?

Answering these questions, I realized that I am a major factor in my relationship with God. Who I am, who I know myself to be, how I show up, how I see/perceive myself, etc., plays a huge role in my relationship with God (as with any relationship I have). It wasn't about how God sees me, but how I see myself when I go to God.

I'm reminded of the 12 spies in Numbers 13. How we see ourselves matters. And in healing my relationship with God, He pointed me back to myself.

The truth is:

• God was not broken - I was. (At least, that was my perception.)
• God was not distant - I was.
• God was never disappointed in me - I was.
• God was never angry at me - I was.
• God was never offended by my actions - I was.

And when I healed my relationship with myself, I simultaneously healed my relationship with God.

That's where my phrase, "Next to God's Love, self-love is the best love" came from. A healed relationship with myself led to a healed relationship with Him.

It took a lot of inner work. A lot. My path towards inner healing happened in very unconventional ways, but I love that about my journey. Now, I know who I AM, and I can stand with God in full confidence and trust in Who He is and who I AM.

Do you feel disconnected from God?

My greatest advice to you is for you to go within and heal. Start with asking yourself the questions I asked myself. Be completely honest. Then do your inner work.

How I Can Support You:

My Inner Work Community is a space for women who are ready to remember who they are and do the inner work that restores clarity, wholeness, and self-connection. Click here to learn more and to join us. I'd love to welcome you in.